You'll Never Get To Heaven


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An old favourite, with almost as many verses as there are singers!
Here are just a few.......

You'll never get to Heaven (Oh you'll never get to Heaven)
In an old Ford car (in an old Ford car)
'Cos an old Ford car ('cos an old Ford car)
Won't get that far (won't get that far)
Oh you'll never get to Heaven in an old Ford car
'Cos an old Ford car won't get that far
I ain't gonna grieve....... my Lord no more
(Chorus**)I ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more
I ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more
I ain't gonna grieve - my - Lord - no - more (twice.)

You'll never get to Heaven....... on a ping pong ball
'Cos a ping pong ball...... is much too small

You'll never get to Heaven..... in a limousine
'Cos the Lord don't sell...... no gasoline

You'll never get to Heaven..... in a Jumbo Jet
'Cos the Lord aint got..... no runways yet

Scouts : You'll never get to Heaven...... in a Girl Guide's arms
'Cos the Lord don't want.... those feminine charms

Guides: You'll never get to Heaven.... on a Boy Scout's knee
'Cos a Boy Scout's knee'.......s too knobbly
(or 'Cos you'll never know .....where his hands might be)

You'll never get to Heaven..... in a rocking chair
'Cos the Lord don't want..... no rockers there

You'll never get to Heaven...... in a wicker chair
'Cos the Lord don't want..... no baskets there

You'll never get to heaven...... in a biscuit tin
'Cos a biscuit tin's..... got biscuits in

You'll never get to Heaven...... in an apple tree
'Cos an apple tree......'s got roots you see

You'll never get to Heaven...... on roller skates
'Cos you'd slip right past...... them Pearly Gates

You'll never get to Heaven..... in a Playtex bra
'Cos a Playtex bra......won't stretch that far

You'll never get to Heaven ........ with a dog as a pet
'Cos the Lord ain't got ....... no lamp-posts yet

You'll never get to Heaven...... on a plate of glass
'Cos a plate of glass..... will cut your leg

You'll never get to Heaven....... on ******'s bike
'Cos you'll get halfway........., then you'll have to hike

You'll never get to Heaven........ in *******'s car
'Cos *******'s car .......stops at every bar

You'll never get to Heaven....... with a bottle of gin
'Cos St Peter won't....... let spirits in

You'll never get to Heaven...... in *******'s pants
'Cos *******'s pants........ are full of ants

You'll never get to Heaven....... on water skis
'Cos the angels don't........ like hairy knees

Oh you can't get to Heaven....... with powder and paint
'Cos it makes you look...... like what you ain't

Oh you'll never get to Heaven...... in a strapless gown
'Cos a strapless gown....... might fall right down

Oh I want to go to Heaven...... and I want to do it right
So I'll go up to Heaven....... all dressed in white

Oh one fine day....... and it won't be long
You'll look for me........and I'll be gone

And if you get to Heaven .......before I do
Just drill a hole....... and pull me through

But if I get to Heaven....... before you do
I'll drill a hole..... and spit on you

Well if I get to Heaven......before you do
I'll plug that hole.....with shavings and glue

That's all there is.....there is no more
St Peter said...... as he shut the door

Oh there's one more thing....... I forgot to tell
If you don't go to Heaven........you'll go to...bed

And that's the end......St. Peter said
As he closed the gates.....And went to bed

**Alternative Choruses
(1)I ain't gonna grieve....... my Lord no more.........
I ain't gonna drink I ain't gonna swear I ain't gonna... Ooh, I wouldn't dare!
I ain't gonna grieve (i-eve-i-eve) my Lord no more

(2) I ain't gonna grieve....... my Lord no more ............
I ain't gonna grieve I ain't gonna worry, I ain't gonna leave my Lord in a hurry
I ain't gonna grieve (i-eve-i-eve) my Lord no more.